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I've been prone to anxiety attacks since childhood.
They didn't call it that back then.
Tetany. Hypoglycemia. Spasmophilia.
It's different for everyone but it's always terrifying.
My mind isn't there. It works in fits and starts.
My heart stops functioning normally.
I've had to learn to live with it.
Learning to live with it means
always being afraid that everything will go wrong.
CHAPTER ONE "PICKING UP THE PIECES"
-You're late! -Yeah…
I suppose you must be busy.
Still got that cig hanging out your mouth!
Did you know Mrs. Bergerin's daughter died of cancer last year?
You're so pale!
-Are you eating well at least? -Yes.
-Still constipated? -Mom!
What are these clothes? Look at the state of you!
Come on.
I'm so happy to see you.
How's work going?
-You stopped sending us magazines. -I know.
I need a break now.
A break? What do you mean?
I'm not working at the moment.
And how are you getting by? You have to work to live.
Stop worrying. I have savings. I can manage.
So why did you stop working?
Did you get fired?
I didn't get fired. I just didn't want to do it.
Maybe you should force yourself.
It's not a job you can force yourself to do.
Look at your dad.
He forced himself for 42 years on the docks in crap weather.
What if you never want to do it again?
What?
-Ever? -What are you talking about?
Wanting to work.
Never mind.
Go and find your dad.
-Where is he? -Out walking.
Marco!
-How are you? -How are you, Dad?
It was today you said you were coming.
Are you OK? You don't look OK.
Do you see the boat there?
Your mother says there are five a day.
Always the same ones. Like clockwork.
But I can't remember them.
I spend the whole day looking at them.
But once they leave, I forget them.
I can clearly remember the wedding dress your mother wore.
But the boat that went by this morning…
I can't remember. Does that make any sense to you?
The doctors said that memory loss is normal after a stroke.
And?
I suppose he's getting tired of me!
I suppose I should be happy to have half my memory.
If I only have half a memory, I'm only half a man. Aren't I?
See that boat there?
Your mother says there are five a day. Always the same. Like clockwork.
-But I don't remember them. -You already told me that, Dad.
I'm joking. I can still make a joke, you know!
Come on, let's go and eat.
Look! I think you had one too many that night.
Ah, Rick and Christine! Was that Jean-Paul's wedding?
Yes! I remember.
-That was really fun. -That was before the kids were even born.
-Whatever happened to Aunt Yvonne? -Same as us.
She's getting old.
-Is that Pablo? -Yeah, that's him.
Is he still at the port?
He's still working there, yes.
It's funny how some things stay the same and others…
What's this?
Sidi Mezghiche. 1958.
Did you get a medal?
-I didn't know they gave you a medal. -Yes.
More or less everyone got a medal for going out there.
Medals don't cost the taxpayer much
and they make soldiers feel important.
You never told me that.
Told you what?
About the Algerian War.
There's nothing to tell.
Goodnight.
Are you sure you don't want to stay one more night?
I told you, Mom. I have the cat.
I can leave him three or four days, but no longer than that.
Alright, alright.
Makes a change from Paris.
Yeah, it's really nice.
I thought it'd take longer to get used to. Will you come and visit?
Maybe.
But Dordogne is far away.
I don't know, with your dad…
-If you need money… -Stop, Mom.
Everything's fine, I promise.
There you are!
Are you sulking?
Aren't you happy I'm back? Stupid cat!
Go on, get lost! Go eat rats.
Hi, Hervé.
It's nice of you as my landlord to worry about my finances.
Thanks.
I'm glad some idiots still appreciate my work.
Yeah, but I don't do it anymore.
No, I don't want to go back, full stop.
I don't know, work something out. Find me something else.
Celebrities, class photos…
Anything but war photography. No more war, no.
-Is this your cat? -Yes.
-He must have had a fight with a fox. -Shit! He's bleeding everywhere.
You need to take him to the vet.
-Thanks a lot. -No worries.
It's just off the square, you can't miss it.
I have an emergency. My cat's been in a fight.
Let me take a look.
Sit down, try and relax.
OK.
What's your cat's name?
Adolf.
I called him that because he's not very nice.
I know it's a bad joke but…
You idiot!
Don't move.
It's nothing serious but he needs stitches.
VET
Let's have a look
The lady took good care of you, didn't she?
Now quit messing around. No more fighting.
Come on, we're going home.
A photo?
Yeah. Just a quick photo.
OK. Well, thanks
Hello?
Hervé?
No it's fine. What's up?
-That asshole! -Excuse me?
I'm sorry.
It's nothing against you.
I should hope not, we barely know each other.
-Hi. -Marco.
Hubert Moret. I'm your neighbor.
How's your cat doing?
I'm sorry, I never even thanked you. He's doing better.
That's good.
Glad to hear it. Still, don't let him wander around too much.
The countryside can be…
I brought some local wine. Shall we?
-Sure. -So what's going on?
I got fired from my job.
Perfect for alcoholism.
I don't think I liked it anymore anyway.
But you did once, and that's a start.
Yes.
-Not everyone can say that. -Right.
-You can always reinvent yourself. -Yeah.
Right.
Thanks for the chat.
I won't leave you the bottle. I'd kick myself if I did.
-Bye. -Bye.
I'll call it "girl with the red nails."
They're not red.
-Are you OK? -Yeah.
-What are you doing? -Hold still.
Hold still.
That's nice.
Oh! Seems like my brother's a catch.
Fuck!
I don't believe it.
Can you not call before turning up?
-Did you forget we were coming? -Call when you're ten minutes away.
-We didn't see anything. -I'm sure he did…
-Hey. -Hey.
Check this out.
Naïma!
-I've been at it too. -Can we stop with the chauvinism?
-Congratulations. -Thanks.
-I really have to pee. -Go ahead.
-You never told me. -I wanted to in person.
Yeah, right.
-Congratulations. -Thanks.
I hope you made dinner.
-She was even shorter! -Do you think they'll win the election?
The polls are saying it's close.
I wouldn't usually go to Toulouse to vote, but…
If it stops them getting in…
They'll never get in.
We have to go to Toulouse just for that.
I still haven't changed my address.
It's been four years.
Four years?
And how did you meet?
Thanks to Adolf.
-Yeah. -Making himself useful for once.
Don't talk about my cat like that.
First you make babies behind my back, now this.
-I'm older than you, remember. -So what?
You could have told me before presenting the finished product.
-Wow… -Top up?
No thanks. I have to go, I have to work early tomorrow.
And I still have to drive home.
Can't you stay a little longer?
No, I have to go and I think the roads will be icy tonight.
But it was nice to meet you both.
See you tomorrow?
Yeah, if you want.
-I do. Don't you? -Yes.
Night.
She's nice.
-Yeah, she's nice. -Yeah.
So she doesn't live with you?
No, it's too early. And she didn't want to…
Right, sure she didn't.
You deserve a slap, you know.
I'm going to bed. I'm exhausted. Goodnight.
Are you voting tomorrow?
-Yes. -Good.
They won't get in.
-How was it? -Great.
-Marco? -Yeah?
Don't you want things to change?
What do you mean change?
We've been together what, almost a year?
I'm tired of going back and forth from yours to mine.
I've seen a really nice house up for rent.
It's big, cheap, in a great location.
Maybe we could go and see it.
What, both of us?
No, each of us separately. What do you think?
Don't you like it this way?
No.
I want us to have more time
-to spend together and… -Hang on a minute.
First a house, then what? A baby?
I can't do that.
No babies, no house.
-So what do you want? -Nothing.
Nothing I don't have.
I'm happy as I am, thanks.
I don't like it when things change.
You don't like it when things change.
You're such a jerk.
Being scared is no excuse. You're hurting me.
I thought it was worth investing in but now I don't know.
Hi.
-I guess I look like an idiot? -Well…
You want some chicken?
Alright.
I didn't want to hurt her.
This always ends up happening.
I make the people I love suffer because of my suffering.
-Running away is part of her battle. -What do you mean?
-Should I get help? -No, no.
In my bag. The green tube.
-You should go home. -No…
No.
It's best if you leave.
Dad.
Are you OK, son?
Can't you just be sick?
You don't give a shit! You're no help.
Bastard.
Look. There she is.
VET CLINIC
I've done eight years of therapy without once mentioning women.
When it comes to love, I like absence.
Presence scares me.
Try explaining that to the woman you love.
The fact that I can't relax means they can't stand me for long.
And I don't blame them.
I can't stand me either.
Not to mention sex.
It's fascinating.
It's a mystery. Intimately violent. Don't you think?
I have a hard enough time being normal with the baker,
let alone with the woman I love.
God damn it.
I have a lot to work out if I don't want to be reincarnated as a drain cover.
Anything biting?
They're a little shy today.
But I have the advantage. I have time.
I was just passing by.
-I thought I'd say hi. -That's kind.
I wanted to apologize for last time.
-I get anxious sometimes. -Don't apologize.
I get anxious sometimes too. It's exhausting for the mind.
But it won't kill you.
-Can I take a photo of you? -I'd rather you didn't.
It's not that I don't trust you.
And I've no doubt you'd take a good photo.
But that's the thing.
There, look.
This old pike's been taunting me for too long.
I want to outlive him.
It's an old man thing.
I forgot my net. Could you grab it?
35th INFANTRY REGIMENT SIDI MEZGHICHE
BRAVERY AND HONOR MAJOR HUBERT MORET
I guess he'll outlive me after all.
-That's a shame. -Why?
We fought our battle and he won.
I told you the other day.
Running away is part of the battle.
Hi, Dad, how are you?
Do you remember the photo you gave me?
The one of the Algerian War.
Does the name Hubert Moret ring a bell?
Hubert Moret.
No, no. Don't worry.
OK. I'll call you soon. Bye.
ALGERIAN WAR VETERANS ASSOCIATION BLOG BY MARCEL RODANET.
You've got some nerve.
You lied to me.
-Sorry? -Commandant Moret.
Major of the 35th Infantry Regiment in Sidi Mezghiche.
And how does that make me a liar?
Right. You're just the nice retiree who fishes and potters in the garden.
Not only. But I never said otherwise.
Major Moret. Known for his zeal for torturing civilians.
Yes.
I liked you. I trusted you!
-All the while I was speaking to scum. -Stop it.
I never lied to you. You only saw what you wanted to see.
-I saw what you showed me. -And that suited you fine.
You know who I am today.
The fishing, the gardening… That's me.
No. You're a murderer.
Do you think I don't know that? That I've forgotten?
Not a day goes by when I don't think of who I was at 25.
I know better than anyone what unforgivable means.
I'm not asking for anything.
Pity or mercy.
I'm just looking forward to death
more than most people my age.
Bastard.
Sorry if that goes against your strong convictions.
VET CLINIC
Come back and see me in three weeks.
-Bye. -Bye.
I looked at the houses.
Marco.
What's going on?
Everything.
Everything is better with you.
CHAPTER TWO NEGLIGIBLE AMOUNTS
Marco told us you're a vet.
Yes, that's right.
-I've just started. -It's a good career.
People always need vets.
People with animals, I mean.
Do you get a good salary?
Do they pay you every month?
I'm not an employee.
I bought part of the clinic. I'm one of three owners.
This is the first time we've had a business owner over for soup!
Anyway.
Are you coming, son?
-Let's go and smoke outside. -OK.
Let me help you.
Gentlemen in the parlor, ladies in the kitchen. Let's have a drink.
I won't say no.
-Your boss seems nice. -Yeah.
I'm glad you brought her.
Are you going to have kids?
Oh Dad, not you as well…
When you were born, I almost jumped ship and left you with your mother.
I was so afraid.
But I didn't leave.
Now,
I'm more proud of you and your brother than anything else.
You should have children, Marco.
Children make us better men.
Your Mom told me you came here for the port?
I want to photograph the people of pier 22.
I have to get the management's permission.
22?
I had some tests at the hospital last month.
-Was everything alright? -No.
Oh.
Mom didn't mention.
I know. I told her not to.
Dad…
What is it?
They weren't sure but today it was confirmed.
I have something called Alzheimer's.
Really?
Yes. It progresses slowly but surely.
I didn't want to inflict that upon you. But here we are.
-I think it was best to tell you. -It doesn't matter about me.
What about treatment?
Aren't you getting treatment?
Marco, there is no treatment.
The best they can do is slow it down.
That's all.
So I need to make some decisions today.
Tomorrow I don't know if I'll still be able to. Do you understand?
No. But I'm trying to.
Bitterly.
What about Gilles?
I'll tell your brother when he comes to see me.
Don't tell him. As for your Mom…
Don't worry. She's stronger than both you and me.
Alright, we're coming.
You see that pretty little box there?
That's a letterbox. It does what it says on the tin.
-Isn't that great? -It won't fit, it's too big.
Yeah but…
It's 8.10 am, do you purposely start with us every day?
That way I might catch you undressed!
Come after 11 tomorrow, and I'll come out in a G-string.
-Can I have my mail? -Right, sorry.
-Thank you. -See you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow.
Around 11, 12, OK?
Do you want some tea?
Are you OK?
-They gave me the go-ahead for June. -That's great!
What's wrong?
Nothing, I just don't want to mess up.
You can do it!
Pablo.
-How are you doing? -How's it going, Marco?
-Good thanks! Hi. -Hello.
Hi. Louis.
-Working hard? -Yep, we don't have a choice.
So is today the day you're going to make us stars?
We're not rugby players. We're not going to take our kit off.
Alright, I'll start with you.
Take it here if you want.
OK.
Not here.
Pablo, I'm going to do a close up. Hold still.
You're not supposed to move!
That's it. Great.
Right, OK.
Marco.
-How are you? -Good, and you?
It's been a while.
How's your dad?
Old.
It's a shame he doesn't come.
-Good to see you. -Lunch?
Of course he's coming for lunch!
-Hi, Roland. -How are you?
Great. It's been a while!
How are the kids?
-They're getting big. -Yeah?
Younous, did you know I went to school with Marco?
I was always getting into trouble with him and his brother.
That was before he left for Paris.
So why do you want to take photos of us?
-Sometimes I miss being here. -I wanted to have a souvenir.
And city people think that things just come out of nowhere.
We'll you 'd better hurry up because the new machines are coming.
They don't need workers anymore.
Dockers are becoming extinct, just like polar bears.
We have 51 ports in France and the tonnage we do is less than in Rotterdam alone.
And foreign workers are doing the job for the quarter of our salary.
You can't blame them.
We were doing the same 30 years ago.
That's when they're not coming here to take our jobs.
I'm not scared. And looking at the last election, I'm not the only one.
What are you talking about? The National Front?
Yeah, they did well here. So they have a chance.
Don't tell me you're a fascist now? You don't believe their shit?
I'm not a fascist. It's just that things are changing.
How can you talk like that in front of Pablo and Younous?
-They're different. -What do you mean they're different?
You think they'll get rid of everyone but your mates?
-Wake up! -Don't give me your city boy speech.
You don't know what it's like here. Don't lecture me. This is my home.
Come back, Bastounet! Talk to me!
You don't want to talk to me. You want to prove you're right.
Maybe you're right. But I don't give a shit.
Don't be scared. I'm here.
Here. Take my hand.
You're so beautiful when you're pregnant, Suzanne.
-Come on, Jules. -You're beautiful.
Come on, up you get.
-Come on. -I'll sort everything out.
I won't leave you.
-You or the kids. -I know, I know.
-Take your cane. -I don't want to get help.
You've always done a good job. I'm not worried.
It's alright.
OK, that's fine.
Bring it down.
Put it between the ladder and the bucket. OK? Go on.
Yeah.
That's it, take it slowly.
That's good.
Hey, Bastounet.
You look like crap.
Thanks, you're looking great yourself.
Sorry about yesterday. It got a bit heated.
Forget about it, Marco.
This one's impressive. It looks like a spider. It's a good one.
Show me the portrait. The one before.
Yeah, I like that one a lot.
He's a childhood friend.
And he voted National Front in the last elections. Fuck.
So you're going to ridicule him, like you did Moret?
What did he do to deserve that?
I'm off, I have to work.
See you later.
Émilie.
My dad has Alzheimer's.
Excuse me, Sir!
-Put that cigarette out. -I just lit it.
Police! ID please.
Oh! You…
You're not my brother. You're adopted.
-Your jokes are crap. -OK, OK.
OK, OK, OK.
-Let's eat at Redouane's. -Let's go.
It's on you. I just got dropped from a project.
-Did you? -Yeah.
-What was it? -A mini series.
They're taking the piss.
It's annoying, but whatever.
Don't worry. You'll bounce back.
Bounce my head against a wall…
-Hey, Redouane! -Ah, my favorite brothers!
The gruesome twosome.
It's been a while! Take a seat.
I'm going to get a temping job. I have to make some cash. I have no choice.
-How's the photography going? -I have a meeting with the gallery.
-To show them my work. -How do you feel about it?
We'll see.
How are you doing?
-Are you sulking? -No.
-Look how happy we are. -How are you?
Kader!
Two couscous royale! And I'll bring a bottle of Boulaouane.
I don't really understand why you went to see Dad's old colleagues.
-What do you mean? -To take photos.
What's the point? Do you see what I mean?
No. Go on.
Your project is industrial logic at its very worst.
That company manufactures misery. The more it crushes people, the less they react.
What are you trying to immortalize?
-Their degradation? -What are you saying?
Those are our roots.
Do you remember when we were kids?
Dad took us to Pablo's on Sundays.
All the guys would stop by. The paella, the songs.
We grew up with that.
Yeah.
It's changed a lot but the solidarity, the pride… That's still there.
Pride in being a victim.
Forget it.
Now you've pissed me off.
I'm gonna kick your ass on the PlayStation.
OK but let's see a smile.
We could bring another bottle of Boulaouane?
Marco, can you do me a favour?
It's Naïma's birthday. Can you take the little one?
What's the matter?
Don't you want to watch cartoons?
No? Why don't we watch cartoons?
Do you want your teddies? Don't cry.
-You want this? -No!
You don't want it? OK, what about this?
-No! -OK, you don't want that one.
Let's watch a cartoon.
Daddy! Daddy!
Can you hear me?
Earth to Marco, Earth to Marco.
That's enough, Gilles.
How do you feel?
-Where is she? -Shh, don't worry.
You fainted in the corridor.
-Is she OK? -Yes, don't worry. She's with a friend.
She was sleeping in front of the TV.
Enemy at 11 o'clock.
Get me out of here.
Are you sure?
If we leave him here, they'll lock him up with the crazies all night.
Don't worry, Naïma.
They don't have the right facilities here.
If in doubt, they send people to the psychiatric hospital.
-Are you sure? -Yeah, I just need some sleep.
Can you imagine? With her in my arms.
I have to go back to therapy. It keeps happening.
It's stopping me from doing anything.
I should be able to hold a baby without ending up in hospital.
What?
Stop grinning like that!
Don't you have a husband and kids? Why the rush to get out of bed?
No, I only have the post office.
I like people.
This way I can meet people and I don't have to be alone.
I get bored of being alone.
-Oh. -Here's your mail.
Thank you.
See you tomorrow.
Why does she keep coming at eight in the morning?
She probably has her reasons.
Look what I got.
The exhibition invite. Cool, huh?
"Photography by Marco Moulinier
Gallery Leblond, 11th arrondissement in Paris. That's great!
Look at this.
That's me and my brother.
-You're so cute. -It must have been Christmas '86, '87.
I like the Zorro outfit.
Before i forget, i wanted to say that i won't forget you. Dad.
Shall we get dinner?
-You coming? -Yes!
So?
-Congratulations! -Thanks.
So…
I'm sorry about the other day.
-Don't worry. -No, I was awful.
I told you, it's fine.
They're great photos.
It brings back memories, all the faces, the machines.
If I wasn't strapped for cash,
-I'd have bought one. -Oh, stop.
What about this one? I didn't take it but it'll bring back memories.
No way… That does bring back memories. Naïma?
-Yeah? -Look.
Let's see.
I had to be Zorro's horse.
-Why doesn't that surprise me? -Take it, it's for you.
He didn't send it to me.
-But you can still have it. -No.
Please, take it.
-Shall we go? -Yes.
Come on.
It was here, in this tower,
built by the Viscount,
that his unworthy son Gauthère
lured the young and exquisite Angolée into his arms.
She was an innocent little shepherdess.
The dishonorable union was the most scandalous the Perigord had seen.
Isidore Gaulé,
better known under the bloody patronymic: The Madman of Rossignac,
who, too young in age to take up arms, set fire to the…
Thank you.
Marco, Count of Rossignac.
The tower shall be my workshop.
The dark room.
Hello? Yes. How are you?
Yes, he's here, I'll put him on.
-Marco? -Yes?
It's your mom.
Hi, Mom. Guess what? We're buying a castle.
What's wrong?
I'll be right there.
Is something wrong?
It's my dad.
He killed himself.
CHAPTER THREE PRECIOUS THINGS
Thank you for coming.
Thank you very much.
Do you want some quiche?
-I didn't make it. -No, thank you.
Mom, do you want a glass of wine?
Are you sure?
Where? OK.
Bastounet, take this off my hands, will you?
-Please, do me a favor. -No thanks.
Come on, it'll do you good.
-I'll take it. -Here.
-Have you eaten? -I ate those things there.
Are you sure?
-Yeah. -Do you want more?
-It's fine. -You need to eat something.
Are you OK?
Do you want to talk?
What is there to say?
When he sends the photo of us, he sends it to you.
So whatever my memories are of Dad,
I'd rather keep them for myself.
Let me have that at least.
I'm going outside.
-Everything? -Yes.
OK.
I don't want to keep any of his tools or his bric-a-brac.
I'd rather give it away to those who need it and burn the rest.
Don't you want a few souvenirs?
I have enough souvenirs in my head.
No need to clutter up the drawers.
I'll make coffee.
She's a good egg.
-Did you see the shrink again? -Yes.
-Are you taking your meds? -Yes.
Right.
Marco. It's nice that you're worried but you don't have to be.
Your Dad did what he wanted.
What can we do? There's nothing to say on the matter.
Life goes on without him.
It's OK. It'll be fine.
ENCYLOPEDIA OF WORLD EVENTS
Are you OK?
What a mess.
Do I have to do all this?
What's that? Corks? What was he doing with those?
He never told me. To fix furniture maybe.
Three whole boxes?
The mind boggles.
Here.
-Take this. -What is it?
Photos.
A few letters, notebooks. Take whatever you want.
-What about you? -Don't worry about me.
He's here, after all.
In every room. In every part of the garden. So I'll be alright.
Keep them for now.
I'll take them back soon.
Don't stay out here, Mom.
Go inside.
Are you OK, son?
Hi.
I wanted to ask a favor.
Do you remember him?
Why are you asking me that?
I want you to tell me about my dad.
Your dad was one of the three conscripts under my command.
The rest were all voluntary servicemen.
Your dad had no place in Algeria.
He was young.
Lost. Shy.
Anything but a fighting man.
He wasn't much use for anything, and…
to prevent endangering the others during operations,
I assigned him to guard prisoners.
My unit was in charge of conducting an intelligence mission.
Your dad was thrown into all that horror.
-Did he participate? -Of course.
All the French participated.
Some directly, like me. Others from afar.
Your father didn't interrogate prisoners, if that's your question.
He guarded them.
He saw what happened to them.
The methods had nothing to do with any military code.
We all went crazy, slowly but surely.
And we carried on.
One night, a prisoner tried to escape.
You dad caught him in the barbed wire.
He brought him back to camp.
Your dad was shocked.
He was shaking.
At that moment, I don't think he knew who the enemy was.
He was a liability.
I transferred him to the offices in Algiers.
I never heard from him after that.
He just died.
I thought so.
Otherwise you wouldn't be asking me these questions.
I'm sorry.
I can't work you out.
After everything you've done.
How can you go on living?
Hello? Hi, Deborah, how are you?
Really?
Yes, of course, yes. Did you show him everything?
Will that photo be included?
OK, I'll go back to Lorient to take more portraits.
No, that's great.
Me too. Thanks a lot.
That was Deborah from the gallery. She showed the port photos to an editor.
-He liked them. He wants to do a book. -That's great.
Love, money, fame… Girls on tap.
What's the matter? Did I say something wrong?
I want to have a child.
I know.
But you heard the radio today. It's going from bad to worse.
Give me one reason why it makes sense to have a child.
Can you imagine if we had a baby?
All they do is shit and scream and cry!
Alright, I get it! I'm not just saying this on a whim.
I love you, but that's not enough for me.
And you can't imagine a life without kids. Is that it?
So what should I do? Pretend?
Think about it, Marco. Either you give me some hope, or we're finished.
Do you want to leave?
No. I want to stay and have a baby.
I don't know where to start.
I've done around ten years of therapy in Paris,
and…
Can you just tell me why you're here?
Right… That would make sense.
Well, um…
My dad topped himself barely a year ago.
The woman I love is going to leave me if I don't have a baby with her.
I'm worried about my mother, who lives alone now.
That might explain… I mean… At least in part…
Why I'm having panic attacks. So I thought it would be good to get help.
What's your availability for the next 20 years?
"24 September 1981.
I saw a buzzard in the garden. Its feathers were almost completely white.
May 1987.
I had a coffee on the square before taking the ferry.
Very windy. The Loire is rough.
June 1999. The tourists will be coming in soon.
They'll be washed away with the arrival of fall.
April 1995. The sea is raging.
It's not grey or green or blue. It's black".
Are you OK?
"10 August 1987, solar eclipse. Today, there won't be any birds in the sky."
I've been reading it all day. Pages and pages. 200 at least.
-His personal journal. -Personal?
You think this is personal?
Listen.
I'll read you the last line he wrote.
"25 August 2013.
The mice have made their nest near the shed. Five little ones."
25 August, that was.
The next day he took a gun
-and shot himself. -Stop
Personal journal?
The phone book is more personal.
200 pages of this. Not a line about me, my brother or my Mom.
My father is dead.
It happened so suddenly.
I don't think I fully comprehend what's happened yet.
Strangely enough, I felt relieved. I thought: at least it's done now.
One less horror to live through
But I was wrong.
Horror continues to do its work.
And things that were unthinkable as a child, happen all the time in adulthood.
No father is immortal.
Thank you, Roland.
-Can you put your hood down? -Yes.
Can we have a smile, Jeff?
Thanks guys. That's great.
-Alright. -OK. Thanks a lot.
-Bye. -See you.
It's nice to be back to work.
Bye.
You can even see the port.
Your mom picked you up from the police station more often than the school!
Who knew that one day you'd publish a book?
Books aren't like newspapers. They're there for good.
I'm so happy you're all in it.
I'm giving you the first copy, Pablo.
-Are you staying with your Mom? -No, I don't really want to.
-I'm going to a hotel. -Absolutely not.
You'll stay at mine.
Annie will be happy to see you.
Looks like I have no choice!
You always polish them off!
-No… -Go ahead!
Come with me, Marco, I want to show you something.
Thanks Annie. It was delicious.
You're a magician, Pablo!
No, she's the one who's magic.
Throwing her a few scraps of meat is easy.
The real mystery is that she accepts them.
Nature gives us gifts, not the other way around.
When are you leaving?
Tomorrow evening.
-I'm going to see my mom and Bastounet. -He's gone.
What do you mean?
Bastounet's gone.
About two months ago he stopped coming to the docks.
After a few days I went over to his, and…
Nathalie was there alone with the kids.
She was beside herself. Annie stayed with her for a few days.
She told us that one night while she was sleeping,
he packed a bag of clothes and left without any explanation.
He was struggling financially, but that's not the issue.
He's never been quite right.
I can't believe it.
Alright, I'm going to bed.
Annie's prepared the sofa bed.
You don't know how things are.
You don't know how we live.
Mom?
Are you just dropping by?
Yes. It wasn't planned.
Are you OK, Mom?
I'm not great, no.
What's wrong?
I'm sad, Marco.
That's normal.
It happens to all widows.
Or almost all of them. Right?
My friends don't stop by anymore.
They say they don't want to bother me.
If your father had died in an accident things would be different.
The fact that he made the decision terrifies them.
It's…
as if they think it's shameful.
I must be the only one who's still proud of him.
I'm proud of him too, Mom.
And so is Gilles.
That's enough. I need to check on the roast.
Mom. Come here.
I just want you to be happy.
You say you've been taking anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds for years.
You know that taking those drugs on a long-term basis causes serious addiction?
So what?
Well, it's dangerous.
What do you mean it's dangerous?
They helped me out of a black hole nobody knew existed.
Not even my family, the doctors. No one.
I don't care about addiction. I welcome it.
I need medication to exist. I can't live without it, OK?
Drugs are not miracle workers. They can't solve your problems.
I'm not stupid, I know that. I know I'm supposed to be solving
unconscious problems related to childhood through therapy, blah blah blah.
But I want my meds.
-Yeah. -You don't make things easy, do you?
I know.
Why is the alarm set so early?
I have a ton of surgeries booked in this morning.
Can't you stay five minutes?
Maybe less. You know me.
Forget it. I have lives to save.
I hope you don't regret it later!
Bye!
At least the other one spoke.
-Excuse me? Hi. -Hi.
-Is Mr. Moret moving? -You'll have to ask my client.
Can I help you?
Hi. I came to see Mr. Moret. Do you know where he is?
Are you a friend?
Yes.
Mr. Moret died of a brain hemorrhage on Wednesday night.
Please excuse me. I'm quite busy.
I'm sorry but… Can I ask who you are?
I'm his daughter.
He never spoke about you.
That doesn't surprise me.
The last time I heard his voice was eight years ago.
Please excuse me. I have things to do.
-Hi. -Hi.
I wanted to see if my results are in.
What was the name?
Émilie Guizot.
Guizot.
-There you are. -Thank you.
Thanks.
Hello?
I'm coming.
Subtitle translation by: Holly James